this is who i am.

i grew up , and still am in a very strong christian family
but when i was little i hated going to church.. i didnt hate God or anything like that, i just thought it was extremely boring.. especially sunday school where they always made me color with used up crayons in a very hot .. AC-less room... with lots of kid i didnt know..
as a little kid my parents tried to make me go.. and i do remenber going
but later my parent never made us go to church.. it was always our choice.
we could chose not to go.. and i usually did.and i went to grandmas and spent the afternoon watching tv.
I grew up not liking church.
i went to a christian school, we took bible class , in elementary i remenber trying to memorize bible verses for the usual spellig/bible test on friday. we had a bible workbook and a bible in our cubbies. i knew of God, i knew all the bible stories, adam and eve in the Garden, noahs ark, the walls of jerico, daniel in the lions den, and all the usual..the songs.. my parents
they bought us bible story books and this is what they read to us before bed..
but it went beyond that.. i saw my parents were really passionate about this God,
when there where hard times .. it was him who they realied on.. when my sister couldnt sleep at night because she was scared.. my dad prayed with her .. read scripture with her
to me .. this God was their rock and thier refuge
to me this God meant i wasnt allowed to do what i heard the other kids where doing,
all i wanted was to fit it.. desperately .. and the worst part is that im shy .. but it used to be worse
when i was in elementary, i remenber sitting alone in recess.. being the last one to be picked.. always having to tell the teacher i didnt have a partner for the project.. it came to the point.. when i was in highschool that i wouldnt talk to anyone.. unless spoken to first.. unless i had to
i had no friends .. i was just there.. i felt unoticed.. unloved.. i hated myself for being this way.
i used to pretend i didnt care, i was the loner .. but in my heart i wished i was going to that party.
i wished i had been invited to her house, i sat in class and heard .. what they did in the weekend .. how they did that stupid thing in the mall ..and my heart broke.
then, in ninth grade this one teacher started a bible study.. i was curious so i went
i remenber the first biblestudy i went to.. there where like 15 girls crammed in her little apartment living room.. i continued to go .. and there where less and less girl.. and it ended up being a group of around 9 or ten girls that where the ones that always came.. i was still shy, but i started to feel like was part of something.. i remenber it was here that i started opening up.. i started to share my heart.. feel like someone cared.
that year, in the anual school retreat...
i prayed to God ..
i prayed .. father.. this is your life... father this is forever.. this is our journey.
im still friends with the group that went to bible study .. im still really close to some of them,
i can tell you whole heartedly, that my life has changed since i was in seventh grade..
im still shy.. its just the way i am .. but now i know i am loved.. this is who i am .. this is who i was created to be.. i am loved.. yes .. i have friends now.. close friends
but even more than that, i know there is some one who loves me for who i am
i dont to pretend im someone im not for him to love me
he knows me more than anyone else
and he LOVES me, more than anyone else is even capable of loving
its been a long journey since.. im not in ninth grade anymore ..in fact im not even in highschool anymore..
i graduated last week. i wont have chapels every monday, or bible class
i dont HAVE to read my bible
i dont HAVE to pray
i want to .
i now know the God my parents so passionately pursue, and want to please.
and i love him, and i want to pursue and please him too
i know what real love is, i know this sounds cheesy.. but its true.
i dont have to understand who i was.. in fact i dont even like to remenber who i was before ninth grade.. who was that girl?, why was i that way?
truth is I dont know..
right now .. right after highschool.. right before college... three months in between.
i pray God puts amazing people in my life..
even if they let me down, my identity is in God not people... they might think im some girl..
but i know who i am..