that girl

soo today has been a long day, not because its 11:09 and i havent finished my hw
but because.. its just one of those days.. im feeling unmotivated,
i feel like all my classes are ganging up on me.. each in thier own way
math:failing horribly, and worse: not because im not trying but because i genuinely dont understand .. sociology:used to be excited about this class,and im really disapointed, i still tink sociology is interesting .. but this class is boring, no one pays attention, i dont know anyone in this class and they all seem to know each other, i feel really left out..
drawing: the worst part of this class is i dont need to take it.. its my "elective" but its the class that requires the most amount of work .. its always this class.. i try really hard , i spend hours in a drawing or drawing excersise and still get a C .. its frustrating, and it makes me feel bad about myslef.. i like art.. i enjoy drawing.. but im never good enough.. im not an artistt i know that.. i just like art.. im not talented...
i miss my best friend, but i dont want her to know it .. because i know she is doing something Good for herself ..and she is where she is where she is sposed to be right now .. but im selfish and im sad she is not here.. i know things would be so much better if she where here
i have friends here in college but i have felt so lonely lately ..i get to see them but i we dont "talk-talk" we just chat .. you know .. i dont know them that well yet and they dont know me that well either our friendships are still very fragile and no one want to rock the boat and go somewhere uncomfortable ..i think they are awsome poeple.. and im really thankful God put them in my life.. but i wish i could get to know them more.. i wish i could just stop the small talk.. small talk is fine .. i guess.. but i want more .. when i was in highschool i was this quiet, shy,lonely girl .. who felt unnoticed.. i eventually found this group of girl and started feeling like a part of something.. i started to open up and started to show them who i was ..and wasnt scared of being myslef anymore.. and i know im not the same girl from highschool anymore ... ive grown, ive changed .. but i dont want her to come back .. i still feel insecure, im ok with being by myself from time to time .. but i hate feeling lonely .. i dont want to go back there.. and i dont want that wound to be dealt with ... it hurts too much.. i know the people i hang out with dont make me who i am, i know people shouldnt be my joy.. but part of me longs to feel like im a part of something, and i miss having my support system.. my group of friends who i met with every tuesday for bible study.. i miss having teachers who where more than just teachers.. i miss it very much.. and right now i am venting .. i have had this building up inside of me for quite a while and today i couldn't hold it in anymore..
today i was sitting in my room procrastinating ( as i usually do when i have lost motivation)
i prayed For God to put people in my life that i can grow with and help grow and for people i can be a blessing to. i trust my God , and i know eventually things will work out today a friend of mine reminded me that the best things are worth waiting for.. the things the really matter are never easy .. i remenbered i asked God to put me out there, out of my comfort zone, and now im realizing he did, this isnt my comfort zone.. and i know in the long run this is all going to be ok.. i remenbered i told God that i want to live by faith.. and im seeing faith is a journey .. part of why im so weak today, the reason why today my soul feels broken and crushed is because I forgot about him.. its so easy to get caught up in the everyday, to lose yourself in the small details of life .. dumb i know .. but it happens..it happens to me .. i cant be shallow .. and giving up at this point for me just simply isnt an option..lToday God told me he loved me... i felt it .. and the tears wouldnt stop.. i love my God so much.. he gets me and honestly ive never felt ive belonged anywhere, ive never felt like i fit in completely, and today .. when my wounds and insecurities feel out
in the open, he came told me gets me .. and he loves me.. and im not alone
i love my God ..