the clown and the ballerina (oh bravo)

so i remenber the first time i heard this song (look post below) i was .. yeah yeah .. cool song .. ive liked children 18:3 for quite a while .. but the other day not so long ago .. i took the time to sit in my room and plug myself into the music .. and it hit me.. this song .. what its about( at least for me )
im that little girl the song is talking about ..how many times have i felt like im never Good enough.. seriously ... ive felt like im up against the best ..(in this song its a clown and a beautiful ballerina) but seriously to me .. ive never felt like im the best at anything ..there is always someone better .. there is always someone who makes it look prettier,someone smarter someone who is more of this and more of that ... someone ,who i compare myself to ..i look at them then i look at myself .. and i feel like im nothing much..
i feel like that little girl with her little unimpressive song ..
"Run off the stage with bitter tears of shame
Close my eyes and try so hard to make it go away,I just wanna go home and tell my teddy bear "I failed, I failed!"
to the eyes of the world.. im nothing special.. i am very aware of that.. just a heart with a willingness to try my best ..and many times even my best just isnt enough ..
ive had sooo ,soo many issues with not feeling good enough ..low selfesteem..,guarding myself with low expectations
but then there came my heavenly father..
and just like in the song..
"I turned around the corner just to hear my daddy say
Oh, bravo, you're the best, you're my only one
Oh, bravo, that will always be enough
Look at me, your song was beautiful, beautiful
And even if nobody ever knows
...Bravo"

God has opened my eyes ,i no longer want to see myslef through the eyes of the world.. he loves me ..he sees my heart and he thinks im beautiful.. this is where i find my validation.. this is where i feel like im something .. and with him .. i feel like i can do things .. i feel like it no longer just me and my little unimpressive attempt .. he has my back.

Oh, Bravo

infiltrate

I'm a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.
I have Holy Spirit power.
I've stepped over the line,
The decision has been made,
I'm a disciple of His.

I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.
My past redeemed, my present makes sense,
My future is secure.
I'm finished and done with low living, sidewalking,
Small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams,
Tame visions, worldly talking,
Cheap giving, and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need preeminence, position,
Promotion, applause or popularity.
I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized,
Praised, regarded or rewarded.

I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience.
I'm uplifted by prayer, and labour empowered.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven,
My road is narrow, my way is rough,
My companions are few, my God reliable.

My mission is clear.
I cannot be bumped, compromised, detoured,
Lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed.
I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice,
Hesitate in the presence of my adversaries,
Negotiate at the table of my enemy
Or ponder at the pool of popularity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up
Until I've stayed up, stored up,
Prayed up, preached up for the cause of Christ.
I am a Disciple of Jesus.

We will fight for You,
We will die for You.
We will go
For You.

til christmas

have you ever felt like you want something, you want it really bad.. and i dont mean just wanting for a little while and then getting over it .. i mean your heart is longing for it, your mind is set upon it ,when it comes up something inside you moves...
this is how i feel right now ..
there is something i want ..
but i am told i have to wait for it , i cant have it yet
its like when someone tells you they have a gift for you but you cant open it til Christmas
you can sense its somewhere in the house, you know its there somewhere but you cant see it because its hidden really well,your anxious to get it, you cant stop thinking about , you start imagining what this gift is like .. your tempted to start looking around ,but deep down you know you have to wait till you get it... all you can do have faith that there is something for you, and that you are going to like it..
im currently studying in a university ..and its ok , for now i know this is where im sposed to be
it was hard in the begining,but as the this first semester ends.. and i am looking foward to christmas break , i see that i am starting to settle in .. ive made new friends and ive learned things i never thought i was capable of doing, i dont get lost anymore .. and im learning to make the best of it ..but i can honestly tell you, i dont know if i will stay here .. not that i dont want to finish my college education ..but i want so much more.. something inside tells me, your here for now .. but your not here for good .. you will go ..but just wait for the right time, wait till i show you where ..wait till i show you how..
this is where i wait .. and this is where my faith has to kick in .. i have a promise, i have a calling
and i know .. no matter where i am .. no matter what .. everything is Going to be ok ..
God has a plan for me .and .i know its perfect...When God wants something to happen He WILL make it happen.
i have hope, and i have hope because he is in me ..

Monster - The Almost

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

psalm 73:26 ♥

that girl

soo today has been a long day, not because its 11:09 and i havent finished my hw
but because.. its just one of those days.. im feeling unmotivated,
i feel like all my classes are ganging up on me.. each in thier own way
math:failing horribly, and worse: not because im not trying but because i genuinely dont understand .. sociology:used to be excited about this class,and im really disapointed, i still tink sociology is interesting .. but this class is boring, no one pays attention, i dont know anyone in this class and they all seem to know each other, i feel really left out..
drawing: the worst part of this class is i dont need to take it.. its my "elective" but its the class that requires the most amount of work .. its always this class.. i try really hard , i spend hours in a drawing or drawing excersise and still get a C .. its frustrating, and it makes me feel bad about myslef.. i like art.. i enjoy drawing.. but im never good enough.. im not an artistt i know that.. i just like art.. im not talented...
i miss my best friend, but i dont want her to know it .. because i know she is doing something Good for herself ..and she is where she is where she is sposed to be right now .. but im selfish and im sad she is not here.. i know things would be so much better if she where here
i have friends here in college but i have felt so lonely lately ..i get to see them but i we dont "talk-talk" we just chat .. you know .. i dont know them that well yet and they dont know me that well either our friendships are still very fragile and no one want to rock the boat and go somewhere uncomfortable ..i think they are awsome poeple.. and im really thankful God put them in my life.. but i wish i could get to know them more.. i wish i could just stop the small talk.. small talk is fine .. i guess.. but i want more .. when i was in highschool i was this quiet, shy,lonely girl .. who felt unnoticed.. i eventually found this group of girl and started feeling like a part of something.. i started to open up and started to show them who i was ..and wasnt scared of being myslef anymore.. and i know im not the same girl from highschool anymore ... ive grown, ive changed .. but i dont want her to come back .. i still feel insecure, im ok with being by myself from time to time .. but i hate feeling lonely .. i dont want to go back there.. and i dont want that wound to be dealt with ... it hurts too much.. i know the people i hang out with dont make me who i am, i know people shouldnt be my joy.. but part of me longs to feel like im a part of something, and i miss having my support system.. my group of friends who i met with every tuesday for bible study.. i miss having teachers who where more than just teachers.. i miss it very much.. and right now i am venting .. i have had this building up inside of me for quite a while and today i couldn't hold it in anymore..
today i was sitting in my room procrastinating ( as i usually do when i have lost motivation)
i prayed For God to put people in my life that i can grow with and help grow and for people i can be a blessing to. i trust my God , and i know eventually things will work out today a friend of mine reminded me that the best things are worth waiting for.. the things the really matter are never easy .. i remenbered i asked God to put me out there, out of my comfort zone, and now im realizing he did, this isnt my comfort zone.. and i know in the long run this is all going to be ok.. i remenbered i told God that i want to live by faith.. and im seeing faith is a journey .. part of why im so weak today, the reason why today my soul feels broken and crushed is because I forgot about him.. its so easy to get caught up in the everyday, to lose yourself in the small details of life .. dumb i know .. but it happens..it happens to me .. i cant be shallow .. and giving up at this point for me just simply isnt an option..lToday God told me he loved me... i felt it .. and the tears wouldnt stop.. i love my God so much.. he gets me and honestly ive never felt ive belonged anywhere, ive never felt like i fit in completely, and today .. when my wounds and insecurities feel out
in the open, he came told me gets me .. and he loves me.. and im not alone
i love my God ..